paixaorpg | Adult Store =\= Sanctuary

Entry tags:

Adult Store =\= Sanctuary

Character(s): Ford, Faye, Ein
Content: Ford can't talk himself out of this one and needs bailing out
Setting: Estale a Cereja
Time: Afternoon
Warnings: Mostly cloudy with a 95% chance of sleaze

Ford had laid his somewhat inappropriate makeshift weapon aside, assuming he would be safe at least temporarily, and was typing away at his journal furiously. This really wasn't fair, Ford grumbled mentally, either he was bored absolutely senseless or running for his life ever since the Vogons blew up Earth the first time. He wanted a beach. A lovely pink beach with emerald green waters... and ladies! His eyes wandered around the room sneakily, appreciating the... merchandise, when suddenly the creature that had attacked him earlier came hurtling back into the store, colliding with Ford, knocking him and his journal to the ground.

I had better get a new one of those for free if that thing's broken, he thought as he scrambled up to his feet. As the creature made another lunge for him, Ford dived for his weapon, snatching it up off the floor, narrowly dodging the next swipe.

"Ha!" he cried and thrust the artificial phallus toward the creature like a sword. In actuality, the only swordplay he knew came from an acting class he had taken on Earth in an attempt to reinforce his identity as a struggling actor (and to pick up girls). The creature swiped. Ford managed to block. It swiped again, and again Ford parried. He was feeling quite proud of himself, but he could only keep it up for so long.

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Ein was quickly learning that his stamina wasn't nearly what it was as a canine. He had been running pretty much all day, ever since the first of those strange things had attacked him. It was all he could do to stay close to Faye, his instinct to flee, flee, flee in any direction as long as it was far away so strong.

His breath ragged, Ein stumbled down the street, eyes darting back and forth frantically as he searched for a place to hide. All rational thought was gone, replaced by the basest animal instinct: run, hide, run, hide, stay alive. Perhaps if Ein were a bigger dog he would be more inclined to fight the strange creatures that smelled like nothing even though it's impossible to smell like nothing after all even "nothing" smells like something and he tried to explain the problem to Faye but she wasn't listening and oh God here comes another one!!!

With a frightened yelp, Ein stumbled and fell as one of the things stretched out its arm to impossible lengths in an attempt to catch him. He immediately sprang back to his feet and ran blindly for the nearest hiding place - a store that happened to have an open door. Without even looking behind to see where Faye was, Ein darted into the shop and made it about ten feet before slipping on the smooth floor and falling heavily on his side. Fortunately, he happened to fall near a rack of clothes ~~remarkably similar to Faye's~~, and he quickly crawled beneath it.

"Goddamnit!!" Faye yelled, kicking one of the weird things out of her way as she ran as quickly as she could. She had been cursing at the top of her lungs since everything had gone to hell. No Spike. Stuck with Ein. Lost. No goddamn gun.

And now the damn dog was running as if he were a chicken with its head chopped off, and Faye was having a hard time keeping up with him. Sure, the mutt had tried to tell her something about the things, but what did it matter? They seemed to be trying to kill her, and all she could do was kick them out of her way and hope Ein would find somewhere safe.

"Hey! Wait!" Faye pushed herself to go faster as Ein scrambled into a doorway. She stumbled in after him, slamming the door behind her. She was gasping for air now, but she was scanning the store for those cr--

"... greaaat," Faye snorted, noting several "specialty" items. It took her a moment to realize they were not alone in the store. "Fuck."

Of all times to be without a gun.

The loud crash and entrance of more people distracted the creature long enough for Ford to give it another good whack, fending it off very temporarily. He gave a short laugh of (temporary) victory and turned to face the room's newest occupant. He smiled wildly, eyes wide.

"Ah, Hello there!" Ford waved at her exuberantly, his "weapon" still in hand, wobbling ridiculously. "Did you lose something?" He inquired, gesturing toward the still swaying rack Ein had taken cover under.

Ein peeked out at the sound of a new voice. His brow furrowed as he noticed Ford was grinning and - and he was even joking. Why wasn't he afraid? Was he able to fight the strange nothing-somethings? Maybe it had something to do with that weird-looking weapon Ford had, which seemed vaguely familiar to Ein but he couldn't really place where he'd seen something like it before.

Then again, Ford hadn't actually defeated the thing yet. Ein decided to stay put in his hiding place and wait until the nothing-something was taken care of permanently.

There was a guy. And a thing. And the guy was fighting the thing with a--

"... yeah, I'm insane," Faye whispered to herself, back falling against the closed door as she eyed the creature. She was so tired. Maybe she could just slide to the floor and hope the other person could kill it or whatever.

... not likely. Not with THAT, at least. Faye rolled her eyes, taking note of where Ein was hiding. Useless mutt.

"You wouldn't happen to have a gun on you, hmm?" Faye asked lightly, as if asking for the time. This was almost... funny.

"No, no guns," said Ford, "But I have got a towel!" he declared confidently. "If either you or your furry friend would be so kind as to grab it out of that bag there, I have a plan," he explained, still grinning madly, and gestured toward his leather satchel, laying in front of the checkout counter.

The dusk came flying back towards him and he dodged it narrowly, careening into a nearby rack. Videos went clattering to the ground all around him like a waterfall of debauchery. "Name's Ford Prefect, by the way!"

Towel? Why did Ford want a towel? Towels were things human used to dry off after a shower and walk around in complaining they had nothing to wear. (Well, just Faye did that. Spike walked around in a towel without saying anything, besides "Where's some beer?") Ein was positive that a towel was not a weapon.

But if Ford had a plan to defeat the nothing-something, and he needed a towel to do it, by God Ein would help him. He gathered his legs beneath him, waited until the Dusk was a relatively safe distance away, and sprung out. He had to climb over a shelf to reach the checkout counter, knocking over dozens of tubes of brightly-colored, allegedly tasty liquids in the process. Finally, five seconds and one stubbed toe later, Ein was at the bag. He immediately began to paw through it, tossing several random items over his shoulder until he found a rather horrid-looking towel.

"I have it!" he shouted, holding the towel over his head triumphantly.

"... a towel." Faye stared at the guy for a moment, looking away only when Ein scrambled out of his hiding spot. She rolled her eyes and looked at the stranger again. "Better be a good plan."

"Name's Faye Valentine, and that's Ein," she continued, pointing at Ein as he held the towel over his head. "He's not quite all there." Then again, she wondered that about herself.

Ford ran flailing across the room and snatched the towel from Ein and dived clumsily behind the counter, the dusk following not far behind, "Ah! Yes! Towel!" he poked his head over the top of the counter "Oh that's quite alright, very-attractive-lady-Faye, I'm never all there. Bits of me everywhere," he said with a wink and disappeared again. He searched around at the behind-counter stock mumbling manically and suddenly, with a cry of victory, began tearing open a package. His head reappeared once again, and he held up the brand new "massager" he had just unpacked. "Electricity!" he said, "Now if you could grab anything that involves water," Ford suggested, "and toss it over here?"

The dusk however, was beginning to lose interest in Ford. It finally seemed to notice Faye and Ein and began another attack.

Oh. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh SHIT!!! Ein jumped to his feet and dodged as the Dusk sent one of its appendages snaking towards him. However, it caught his arm in a glancing blow that sent him reeling off-balance and falling onto another rack of ~~pr0n~~ videos. Ein grimaced and brought his hand over the injured area protectively, where he could already see the beginnings of a very nasty bruise.

The Dusk flailed at him again, but this time Ein's evasive maneuvers were more successful. He ducked and weaved, making his way towards the mannequins at the front of the store. Upon reaching one, he picked it up and threw it at the Dusk as well as he could. The Dusk easily dodged the humanoid projectile and continued its sinuous approach, much to Ein's dismay. "Faaaaaye!" he wailed, taking cover behind another lengerie-clad mannequin.

Faye smirked at the compliment. Maybe the kid wasn't all THAT insane.

Water? Faye begun to look around the mess of a shop, trying not to be distracted by what she came across. "Water, water, water..." she wandered over to a display and began digging through the various items. Moments later, Faye held a rather realistic looking pistol in her hands.

Well, everyone had their kinks.

"Here!" She called, and tossed the water pistol over to Ford as he requested. It was then that she noticed the Ein was being stalked by the odd creature. "Goddamnit, hurry up, whatever it is you're doing!" Faye growled, and grabbed a hanger with all intent of being the creature to a bloody pulp. She was the only one allowed to abuse the mutt.

Ford had been busy behind the counter dissecting the massager, weaving any wire he could find into the fibers of his ever-faithful towel. The squirt gun clattered to the ground near Ford and rebounded off the wall slightly before he snatched it and began shooting the towel with water, cackling madly. He realized after a few moments that it wasn't the most effective process, no matter how amusing, and this was just going to have to be an one of those irritating, unamusing moments. He opened the refill plug at the back of the pistol and poured the remaining water over the towel, making sure it was thoroughly damp.

"This had better not be distilled water," he muttered before leaping over the counter with a shrill Betelgeusian battle cry which his friend Arthur Dent had once said sounded "like a choir boy in denial that he's hit puberty." He dashed toward the dusk, catching it from behind as it approached Ein, and slung the towel over the creature's head. He switched the "on" button of the massager and electricity flowed through the wet towel, shocking the mysterious white creature and making a rather dramatic amount of smoke. Ford was already imagining all the gloating he was going to do over some drinks if this finished the thing.

...So that's what Ford had had in mind. As Ein watched the towel envelop the nothing-something's head and smoke begin to seep out, he had to admit it was a very clever idea. Momentarily he considered aiding in the defeat of the nothing-something, but decided against it. He couldn't do anything except bite, and then he'd just get shocked too; Ein had learned about the dangers of conductivity long ago while watching Ed play with computer hardware. So instead he decided to just sit and wait. He was good at that, if need be.

Faye just kind of stared as the smoke drifted into the air. That was pretty damn neat. She filed that information in the back of her mind for use at a later date. You never know...

"Uh, now what?" Faye asked, backing up just a little as she eyed the creature. Would this kill it? And there were more just outside and who knows where else.

And she was not looking forward to being stuck in this place with Ein and their new friend. She'd take her chances with the creatures.

Ford shrugged. "Dunno," he said and did what all Betelguesan warriors did to test whether the enemy was defeated or not: He kicked it. It didn't move. His faithful towel was now singed all over in addition to all the old stains and wear and tear. He would have to apologize to it later.

It was entirely possible that the creature had only been knocked out, and Ford really wasn't keen to find out if that was the case or not. "I say we throw it outside and hope for the best, eh?" he suggested.

((Thanks for being patient, guys! Sorry!))

Ein cautiously ventured out from his hiding place behind the near-nude mannequin. It seemed the nothing-something had been killed. Or at least knocked out - as long as it couldn't hurt him, Ein didn't care. After a few seconds of standing nervously, he worked up enough courage to kneel down and sniff at the motionless Nobody curiously. Besides the scents of burning and lightning and that towel (boy did that smell), Ein couldn't smell anything of the creature itself. It was like it wasn't there at all.

Perhaps now was the time to explain the dillemma more thoroughly to Faye. "It doesn't have a scent," he said, looking up at her. "It smells... less than nothing." He furrowed his brow with frustration. How in the world could he explain it? Humans just didn't have enough words to describe smells.

((Ack, sorry I didn't notice!!))

"Throw it outside? You do realize the moment you open that door about twenty of those things are gonna pop in, right?" Faye folded her arms over her chest and sighed. "But be my guest."

Watching Ein out of the corner of her eye, she twitched a little. "I don't smell anything. Maybe you've got human senses now."

Ford shrugged and reached down to lift the now still creature, figuring that if it smelled like nothing maybe it weighed nothing. Then again, it didn't hurt like nothing. He tried not to think about it. However, once he got a hand on it, the body of the nothing-something (as Ein had called it) casually disappeared into a puff of definitely nothing-nothingness.

Ford blinked and remembered the first law of thermodynamics. Requiring said law applied in this universe, which was questionable at the moment and not really the first time he'd seen the law broken, that meant he was now inhaling nothing-something atoms. Again, he decided not to think about it.

"Problem solved," he declared and pulled out a few small shiney packages from his satchel. "Peanuts, anyone?"

Ein was pretty sure that most things did not spontaneously desintigrate. His brow furrowed with thought. How was that possible? Didn't turning things into gas require lots of heat? It didn't make sense.

Then again, Welsh Corgis spontaneously turning into humans didn't make sense either. He'd just have to get used to it, he supposed.

Besides, he liked peanuts.

"Me!" Ein said, reaching over to snatch a bag of peanuts from Ford. He fumbled a bit with the packaging before giving up and ripping it open with his fangs. "Minno fink sho," he mumbled at Faye, a chunk of wrapper still in his mouth. He spat it out and repeated himself. "I don't think so. I can't smell good as I used to, but I'm still better than you." Ein turned to face Ford and sniffed a few times. "The last thing you drank was a gin and tonic," he said - and was that a hint of smugness in his voice?

The little doggie was getting a bit of an attitude.

"I'd call it a jynnan tonix but you're close enough," Ford said as he chewed the last of his peanuts. He was already getting fidgety for something else to do. So he tilted his head back and poured the remaining contents of the packet (mostly salt) into his mouth. The he brushed the bits that had missed off his shirt and jacket and stood up.

"Well my sensitive nosed friend, it looks like I'm off to bigger and better things," Ford said and slapped his sopping wet towel over his shoulder as well as his satchel. "You're free to come if you like, you never know when you might need to know what the last thing somebody's had to drink, eh?" With a wave and a wiggle of the eyebrows he headed towards the door. Ford didn't wait for Ein to answer, figuring that the wierd kid could do whatever it was he wanted.

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Adult Store =\= Sanctuary

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