paixaorpg | Overcome [Completed]

Character(s): Axel and Nam.
Content: They discuss the feelings, or lackthereof, in Nobodies.
Setting: IM thingies.
Time: Monday afternoonish?
Warnings: Angst. Lots.

[11:19PM] eighth flame: Namine.
[11:19PM] delineatewitch: Axel.
[11:19PM] delineatewitch: I'm sorry. I'm making everything worse.
[11:20PM] eighth flame: No... you never made anything worse.
[11:20PM] delineatewitch: No, I've made everything the horrible way it is. If it wasn't for me, Paixao wouldn't exist and no one would be in this mess.
[11:21PM] eighth flame: You didn't have a choice...
[11:21PM] eighth flame: I did.
[11:21PM] delineatewitch: But, I might have had a choice. I could have chosen to disobey and take the consequences for that. Ic ould have done something.
[11:22PM] eighth flame: You'd be dead...
[11:22PM] delineatewitch: Wouldn't that be alright?
[11:22PM] delineatewitch: See, we are similar, a little.
[11:22PM] eighth flame: People like you..
[11:22PM] eighth flame: No one blames you..
[11:23PM] delineatewitch: It doesn't matter if someone else blames me. I blame myself.
[11:23PM] eighth flame: Hahaha, isn't that funny.
[11:23PM] eighth flame: I don't blame myself for anything, truthfully.
[11:23PM] eighth flame: Except.. well, certain things.
[11:23PM] delineatewitch: Certain things?
[11:24PM] eighth flame: Certain things...
[11:24PM] eighth flame: I can't tell if I'm lying to you... or... Sora, or Kairi, or anybody like that, I can't tell. After everything. And I regret that..
[11:25PM] delineatewitch: You don't know if you're lying or not? Then, maybe you aren't.
[11:25PM] eighth flame: I can't help but feel like I'm using you. Again.
[11:26PM] delineatewitch: But I don't feel like I'm being used... so it's alright.
[11:26PM] eighth flame: Namine..
[11:27PM] delineatewitch: Axel, why do you have to sacrifice yourself? You don't have to go to Anti, I'm sure there's some other way. There has to be something.
[11:27PM] eighth flame: I can't undo anything I've done.
[11:28PM] delineatewitch: But you can change what you will do.
[11:28PM] eighth flame: I've tried to do that... but look at them. No one believes that, where is my chance?
[11:29PM] delineatewitch: I don't know. I'm sorry. Axel. I want to help help, but I don't know how I can. I'm too weak.
[11:29PM] delineatewitch: [*help you, yeah]
[11:29PM] eighth flame: You're not weak...
[11:30PM] delineatewitch: Hmm, well, that's the lie then...
[11:31PM] eighth flame: No... it's not.
[11:31PM] delineatewitch: But I don't belive it. I can't.
[11:33PM] eighth flame: I wish I could say one of those stupid happy things Sora tells me, to make you feel better, haha. But I'm not good at that.
[11:34PM] delineatewitch: It's ok. They're empty to someone like me anyway. He means well, but I just can't... take it to heart. I guess.
[11:34PM] eighth flame: Neither can I.
[11:36PM] delineatewitch: When I'm with Kairi and Sora, sometimes I just feel so distant. I lack what they have. And I can't wish for a heart, because that heart is Kairi's, not mine. I'm stuck.
[11:36PM] eighth flame: It's funny, though, how sometimes other Nobodies can make you feel like something's there....
[11:37PM] delineatewitch: I think I understand what you mean. That's why... no, never mind.
[11:37PM] eighth flame: Why what?
[11:38PM] delineatewitch: It's... I don't know how to say it. Maybe I can't say it well because I lack a heart. But that's why I don't want you to die Axel.
[11:39PM] eighth flame: ..Me?
[11:39PM] delineatewitch: Ahh, no, foget I said anything. Sorry.
[11:39PM] eighth flame: Namine, talk to me.
[11:41PM] delineatewitch: Axel, you're not like the others. Even at the castle, you were at least nice to me... not like Larxene or Marluxia, or even Vexen, who mostly ignored me. And I never really got to meet anyone else.
[11:42PM] eighth flame: You were the light in all the darkness, Namine.
[11:42PM] delineatewitch: Axel...
[11:43PM] delineatewitch: No, I don't think a nobody can be light.
[11:43PM] eighth flame: You are radiant.
[11:44PM] delineatewitch: I wish I could really be that way. But any lightI have is really Kairi's. It' not mine at all.
[11:45PM] eighth flame: You're not Kairi. You're yourself, you're Namine.
[11:45PM] eighth flame: You, if any of us, are the most your own person. Even your name is different.
[11:46PM] delineatewitch: Maybe it just means I'm less than Kairi.
[11:46PM] eighth flame: Then I am nothing, if you're using that logic.
[11:47PM] delineatewitch: That's not true!
[11:47PM] delineatewitch: Axel, you're more than me at least.
[11:47PM] eighth flame: No..
[11:47PM] eighth flame: I'm nothing.
[11:47PM] delineatewitch: Please don't say that...
[11:48PM] eighth flame: I didn't deserve Roxas... or... the Nobody I created... that's why they left me, I suppose.
[11:48PM] eighth flame: And I especially don't deserve you. To even talk with you, really.
[11:49PM] delineatewitch: But I want to talk to you Axel. It's not about deserving...
[11:50PM] eighth flame: It's about desiring.
[11:50PM] eighth flame: And you need something of a heart to do that.
[11:51PM] delineatewitch: That's... maybe. I know it too. I don't feel strongly for anything. Not even Kairi, who I should feel strongly for. She's my friend, she should mean the world to me.
[11:52PM] eighth flame: I see..
[11:53PM] delineatewitch: I mean, I feel happy when I'm with her and I think--well, but it just isn't enough. I can't give enough. I can't love her. And that's the worst part.
[11:53PM] eighth flame: Love..
[11:53PM] eighth flame: That's a weird thing.
[11:54PM] delineatewitch: Yes. I think about it often, maybe too much.
[11:54PM] eighth flame: Oh, you do?
[11:54PM] delineatewitch: It's something I don't have and I can't give. So, it's on my mind constantly. That's not good...
[11:55PM] eighth flame: I've tried to imitate it.
[11:55PM] delineatewitch: Imitate it?
[11:55PM] eighth flame: Many times, with different people...
[11:56PM] delineatewitch: How can you imitate it?
[11:57PM] eighth flame: Heh, I think the Nobody I made loves me. Or something like it.
[11:57PM] delineatewitch: Something like it. I wonder if there's really anything like it.
[11:58PM] eighth flame: He was just a replacement... and imitation.
[11:58PM] delineatewitch: I guess that's all we as nobodies can do. Imitate.
[11:59PM] eighth flame: It's strange to not be able to control something that isn't even real...
[12:01AM] delineatewitch: Yes, it is. Then, is it real then? If we can't control it, then what else can it be. Ahh, no, I'm just trying to fool myself.
[12:02AM] eighth flame: What do you feel, Namine?
[12:03AM] delineatewitch: I can feel sad. I can feel angry. I can feel happy, at least a little. I feel... I feel something. Am I just lying to myself then?
[12:03AM] eighth flame: And you want to love, do you love?
[12:05AM] delineatewitch: Love. Do I? Even a bit? Or am I just lying to myself then too? When I first saw Kairi, I didn't even want to think about being her nobody. I knew, I always did, but I buried it. If it hadn't been for the empty feeling I always had inside, I would have thought I was somebody.
[12:07AM] eighth flame: That's all we ever tried to do, fill that space.
[12:08AM] delineatewitch: But it's never enough. There's never enough of that, I don't know what it is, but there's never enough to make me feel any less empty.
[12:10AM] eighth flame: All we can do is search..
[12:10AM] delineatewitch: But when can we stop searching? When will it be over?
[12:12AM] eighth flame: Whenever we die. Or we find our hearts. Who knows.
[12:13AM] delineatewitch: When I die then. I know where my heart is... but I could never take it from her. Everything I am is hers in the first place.
[12:13AM] eighth flame: Maybe you should seek someone who makes you feel whole, then.
[12:14AM] delineatewitch: Makes me feel whole... I don't think that kind of person exists for me.
[12:14AM] eighth flame: I thought I found it in Roxas.
[12:15AM] delineatewitch: Did you?
[12:15AM] eighth flame: In the end, no.
[12:15AM] delineatewitch: I'm sorry.
[12:16AM] eighth flame: There are others I have in mind.
[12:16AM] delineatewitch: To make you feel whole?
[12:16AM] eighth flame: Yes... or try to.
[12:17AM] delineatewitch: I hope that they do then.
[12:17AM] eighth flame: Maybe.
[12:17AM] delineatewitch: That's all we can hope for is "maybe."
[12:19AM] eighth flame: ..Yeah..
[12:19AM] delineatewitch: Mmm... Axel, you asked me before what I felt. What do you feel?
[12:20AM] eighth flame: Regret, jealousy, loneliness.
[12:21AM] delineatewitch: I guess I should be glad for the little bit of happiness I have, with Sora and Kairi. Though sometimes I don't really want to be with them at all.
[12:21AM] eighth flame: Oh?
[12:23AM] delineatewitch: I don't fit in with them. They're somebodies and I'm a nobody. Kairi tries to include me, but it's never going to work right. I should give her back what I stole... she won't be whole as long as I'm here.
[12:24AM] eighth flame: Or you could spend some time with someone like you.
[12:24AM] delineatewitch: Like me, a nobody?
[12:25AM] eighth flame: Yes.
[12:26AM] delineatewitch: Someone like you? I don't like the rest of them, at least of the ones I know well.
[12:26AM] eighth flame: If you'd like.
[12:27AM] delineatewitch: Axel... really?
[12:27AM] eighth flame: I wouldn't offer if it was no.
[12:28AM] delineatewitch: Sorry. It just always takes me by surprise, being shown kindness. Even with Kairi--oh. Kairi. What sould she say? But I can't stay with her, I don't think. It's not going to work for either of us.
[12:29AM] delineatewitch: [*would]
[12:30AM] eighth flame: I understand.
[12:31AM] delineatewitch: Axel, I don't know what to do. Either way will hurt her. If I leave, if I stay... How do I chose which will hurt her the least if I don't even have aheart to tell the difference?
[12:31AM] eighth flame: Why do you have to leave completely?
[12:32AM] delineatewitch: I don't know. I don't want to. Can I have both? Will that make things all rgiht?
[12:32AM] eighth flame: Sure, you can have both.
[12:33AM] delineatewitch: Axel, I'm happy. I can feel it. It's real, I know it.
[12:34AM] delineatewitch: maybe not as strong as Sora and Kairi feel, but its there
[12:34AM] eighth flame: That's a good thing...
[12:34AM] delineatewitch: I think so too.
[12:35AM] eighth flame: I don't recall ever seeing you smile, you know. Perhaps I will soon?
[12:35AM] delineatewitch: Yes. I'm sure you will. Thank you Axel.
[12:36AM] eighth flame: You're welcome..