paixaorpg | Pain Shared is Split by Half [Active]

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Pain Shared is Split by Half [Active]

Character(s): Yuna and the Eleventh Doctor.
Content: After a rough night, Yuna and the Doctor have a heart-to-heart chat.
Setting: Iriela Apartments
Time: Late night, Week 36
Warnings: Descriptions of nightmares?

He dreamt of fire. He dreamt of fire and ash so thick, it choked out the sky in some parts. The fire was little better; it blended in well with the burnt-orange skies of Gallifrey and blinded him. He choked on the smoke that resulted, stumbling, hands fumbling in the brightness for something, anything. As always, there weren't the usual signs of dreaming; he could smell the smoke and feel the flame as it seared him. The Doctor ran, something small and large and cold and hotter than all the flames of Kasterborous' galaxy. It was the Moment, he knew; and he had to use it.

He had to.

The Doctor awoke in a cold sweat, tears dripping onto the pillow as he gasped in loneliness and sorrow. They were gone. They were all gone, and they would never come back. The physical pain had faded by now; he was well again, well enough to leave and head back to the TARDIS, but something had been stopping him, and now he knew why, despite the presence of Sexy and Mufasa, in the apartment next door.

He needed someone, anyone, who would forgive him for what he'd done. Who could. But while Yuna couldn't give him that, he liked to believe that, had she known, she would have. But that was nonsense. No one was going to forgive him - no one was alive to forgive him now.

Sitting up, the Doctor scrubbed at his tears with the back of his hand and sighed.

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Yuna's dreams hadn't been any more comforting than her guest, though she wasn't currently aware of such. She woke up from a troubled sleep, tears in her eyes. For a few minutes, all she could do was cling to the sheets, turned away from Tidus, and hope that he hadn't heard her. The last thing he needed was to worry about her.

Still... all she could think about was how much she had gone through, and how much it had hurt to be the one to destroy her aeons, her dearest friends, not once but twice. A hollow feeling settled in the pit of Yuna's stomach and she finally slid silently out of bed. Making her way into the kitchen, she started a mug of tea, pulling her robe tighter around her for comfort.

So much had happened in the last three years. Sometimes, she could barely believe it. And that nightmare... It had felt so real, as though if she'd tried to reach out, she could have touched her old friends. Auron... Her aeons. Feeling the tears sliding down her cheeks, Yuna squeezed her eyes shut and tried to forget what she'd seen.

He'd pretended to be asleep when he heard the sound of Yuna's soft footsteps headed towards the kitchen, but after a few minutes he gathered up his courage and followed her to the kitchen, leaving the couch he'd been sleeping on a slight mess. Whatever, she wouldn't mind - and besides, he planned on trying to sleep again. Eventually. Maybe. Maybe he'd have to re-learn how to breathe again, first.

He barely padded into the kitchen, bare feet making no noise on the floor, when he noticed that Yuna was having a hard time as well. Blinking his own eyes a bit to hurry away the last traces of his own tears, he gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "Yuna," he told her, his tone gentle and sad, "you've been crying."

When she'd heard the sounds of someone else awake in the apartment, she'd tried to hide her feelings, but hadn't succeeded. Two years of living in the spotlight, of not having to smile every time she felt sad, had taken her strength from her. In some ways. Things were different, especially here in Paixao. How long had she even been here...?

She turned her head and wiped at her eyes as the Doctor entered the room. His hand on her shoulder nearly made it all come alive again. She could just see-

"It's nothing. It was just a nightmare."

A very real nightmare.

For a moment, the Doctor remained silent. He'd just come from a nightmare himself; what could he say to that? It was never just a nightmare; his own were inevitably comprised of memories, or else the fear of what he might one day become. But now was not the sort of time to be concerned about his own thoughts and feelings; Yuna was hurt, and needed comfort.

Carefully, the Time Lord stepped closer to her, his eyes filled with sorrow and understanding. "You, too?" he managed, smiling weakly.

In that moment, Yuna realized she couldn't lie to him. Somehow, he, like so many others, could see right through her and the tears started tickling her eyes again. She didn't want to think about what she'd once done, what she'd had to do in order to save Spira once and for all. It hurt too much. But the nightmares made it all real again, reminded her of all she stood to lose again, even here.

So she just tried to smile through her tears and nodded once. "I guess I'm not the only one. These were... more real than I thought they could be."

"I know," came the quiet response, the Doctor gently wrapping his arms around Yuna in a fatherly gesture. "And it hurts, I know it does. The pain never does go away, but we mourn, and eventually we move on. That's the most we can do." He didn't know what Yuna had been dreaming about, and perhaps he was telling that to himself as much as her, but it was all the Time Lord could do, really. He was the Doctor, but that didn't always help. It was a strange coincidence that they would both have such terrible dreams in the same night - and judging but he tears in Yuna's eyes, her own nightmares had struck a nerve.

In a way, that gesture was what she needed, even as it brought forth more painful memories. She shut them all out, closing her eyes against it all and nodded, leaning against him for just a few minutes before she pulled back and tried to regain her summoner's composure. It felt like so long since she'd had to think about what she'd done, everything she'd lost. And now... it was all right there in front of her again.

She tried to smile, tried so hard.

"I know," she replied with a nod, forming words to explain what she was feeling, what all this meant to her. "And I did. It's all I have done. I thought... with the Eternal Calm I would bring peace, but now..." She shook her head. Well, in this city the Eternal Calm didn't matter anymore. "It's hard to move on when things you thought you put behind you replay in your dreams."

Somehow, the Doctor had given her a sense that she could trust him. She knew deep inside that he was a good man, someone like her, someone who would help if he could. That was why she didn't try to stop her words, letting them tumble forth as they wanted to.

The Doctor let Yuna go when she pulled away from him, stepping back and observing her while he tried to make sure she was alright. But she wasn't alright, of course she wasn't, silly Doctor - and he wasn't anywhere near the realm of alright, either. Even so, he could hide it well enough, at least for now, and there was no way he was going to let Yuna know what he'd been dreaming about. He wouldn't want that on anyone.

"I know the feeling," he told her softly, a bit of wistfulness creeping into his voice. The universe never could stay saved, could it? All that effort, all the pain and sweat and tears, all the memories that would never really go away no matter how much he wished it would, and that could never bloody be it, could it? There was always so much to do, so very much, and the mere prospect of it all was utterly exhausting - even to the Doctor.

Yuna noticed the way he spoke, the way the words echoed in the air, his choice of words. It was as though he knew what she meant, had felt what she felt and understood what she was saying. She wanted to get off the subject of her past, but she also didn't want to cling.

"But... it's just a dream, isn't it?"

These nightmares didn't mean anything. For all they knew... these were just related to... something in the city.

"Sometimes," said the Doctor, moving to the cupboards and taking out a mug so he could also get some tea (it wasn't as though he'd be sleeping for awhile, anyway). "Sometimes they're memories, or fears, or even things that haven't happened yet. So I guess they're never really just dreams." Wait. He probably wasn't helping with that, was he? Oh, dear. "Well, if it makes you feel better, Yuna, I'm sure it's nothing. Might be the city getting to us. All this snow, and the new law in place." Not that he ever paid attention to silly things like laws, mind you - not unless they made sense to him, anyway (and sadly, they so rarely did).

"Cup of tea and we'll both be fine. You'll see," he continued, doing his best to keep both of their spirits up.

"No, I guess they aren't," Yuna murmured with a soft sigh, watching as the Doctor moved around. She had a lot to think about, a lot to remember, pain she didn't want to feel again. "Sometimes, even before the nightmares started... I would wake up and wonder if I'll lose him again. Even if he's still right there beside me."

Same went for Auron. After all, she'd lost so many people at home - her parents, Auron, Tidus - that being here sometimes felt like a dream. The irony of that thought wasn't lost on her at all and she wiped her eyes again.

The Doctor nodded understandingly; he'd felt that way about a lot of people in his life. And he'd always been right, hadn't he? He'd always lost them, always, even those who'd intended to stay with him forever. But Yuna's situation was different. He had yet to learn why Yuna was so afraid to lose him - the way she acted regarding the subject as well as his own instincts told him it couldn't be a simple phobia. Her life had been difficult, he knew, and perhaps it was merely the fear of watching yet another loved one slip away - but maybe there was something more. Nevertheless, he wouldn't pry, not like this. She'd tell him about it when, and if, she was ready to.

For now, he merely listened, letting Yuna get out what needed getting out.

No, it wasn't simple at all. Experience never really was. It haunted a person until they couldn't quite move past it, and with a place like this, turning the knife ever so slightly until it just slid right into the place that hurt worst... well, it was a lot to deal with.

"For so long, I knew my path... My father..." Her father Braska, who had been here for a time, too... "His path was set before him, too, after my mother was killed by Sin. He became a summoner. He defeated Sin. I saw how happy he made the world, how everyone knew some measure of peace, even as fleeting as it might have been... No one knew when Sin would return, but even for a short time, the people of Spira knew peace. There were smiles, happy faces. I thought... if I could become a summoner, I could do the same. No matter the cost, I wanted Spira to know something other than its own sorrow."

She turned away, letting her eyes gaze towards the bedroom where she knew Tidus slept. He was there now, but if either of them went home, he wouldn't be there then. He would be gone, nothing but a bunch of pyreflies, a memory on the Farplane that she had never gathered the courage to face. And that sorrow she had worked so hard to banish haunted her every day. These nightmares only made the sleeping hours worse. In a way, she was just talking it out, letting out the emotions and the words that she'd held inside her for so long.

The Doctor continued to listen patiently as Yuna poured out her sorrow. How brave she was, to keep going even in the face of that, to fight for a happy future and struggle against the pain her world was forced to suffer. He let her turn away to look towards her room, knowing how frightened she must be of that hard-won happiness slipping from her grasp - or worse, being ripped away. That was what this place did to people, he knew. It haunted them with their pasts and tormented them with happiness that could easily disappear at any moment - Donna and the Master's presence had been more than enough to convince him of that.

He laid a hand gently on Yuna's shoulder and, after pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts, spoke carefully. "Yuna," he told her, "I know it's difficult to keep going sometimes. Believe me, I know. But you've done it." Oh, blimey, he was rubbish at this, but he had to try. He was the Doctor; this was what he did. It was what he'd always done, and what he had to continue to do. "You're doing it now, and no matter what those efforts bring about, the fact that you've kept on like this is brilliant. You're brilliant."

Even if the Doctor didn't think he was doing anything to help, his words were penetrating her nightmare-ridden mind. Maybe he was right... but at the same time, she knew she hadn't explained enough to him to make him understand why she was so worried. It wasn't just the usual worry that someone important or special would one day not be there... it was the knowledge that if he disappeared, she might never see him again, not here or back on Spira.

"Thank you..." she answered softly, trying so hard to smile at him, to let him know that she appreciated his attempt at cheering her up. The expression only made it halfway before it died. She took a deep breath, pulling her hands up together in front of her to focus.

"I'm sorry to burden you... it's just..."

Breathe, Yuna. I would be all right. It had to be.

"Becoming a summoner meant journeying to defeat Sin. At the end of a summoner's pilgrimage, the summoner would call the Final Aeon to defeat Sin. The Final Aeon, after it defeated Sin... would then take the life of its summoner. Everyone knew this was the pattern, but my guardians and I... we chose another way. We thought... it would be the way to defeat Sin without losing anyone, without losing me... But instead we lost something else."

Her gaze strayed in the direction of the bedroom, where Tidus was still asleep. She kept losing him and kept losing him... One day she wasn't sure she could bear it again.

"He won't disappear," the Doctor reassured Yuna, though she hadn't really said anything about Tidus just yet. But it was clear in the way she looked at him when she thought nobody was paying attention, as though she were afraid. As though she was holding back. He was sure she was, too, and sure Tidus didn't know about it, since she kept staring at him like that. "And you're welcome." At that, the kettle decided it had had quite enough and began to whistle, and the Doctor busied himself with pouring tea for himself and Yuna. "Milk? Sugar?" he asked her, unable to quite remember what she had in her tea.

Once again, he listened to the summoner, his gaze serious and sad upon hearing what she had gone through. No one should have to carry such a heavy burden. At least she hadn't had to bear it all alone. She was so brave, this slip of a young woman who stood before him now, even if she didn't seem to realize it. He nodded in understanding once the explanation is over and smiled faintly. "Thank you," he told her softly. "I know it's not my universe, and I know it's been difficult. You're very brave, Yuna." It wasn't much, but he felt it had to be said. "I know what it's like to carry the weight of a world on your shoulders. It's never easy."

The Doctor's words were kind, but they only relieved some of Yuna's worries. She would always be afraid Tidus would leave again. It had happened once before, so who was to say it wouldn't happen again? And what would she do when that happened?

"Sugar's fine," she answered softly, taking the cup and holding it up to her mouth when she finally got it. Holding something helped. It gave her something else to focus on.

"I wish I could believe you. But he was one of the ones I lost that day. Tidus and Sir Auron... And now that we're here... I don't want to let go again." She was afraid to, afraid that, like her father, she'd never see them again.

The Doctor's words about the weight of the world brought her attention back to him and a concerned frown crossed her eyes. "You do?" She didn't really mean to pry, but she'd said more than enough about herself for now anyway.

Oh, but Yuna's worries wouldn't be assailed by simple assurances. Of course they wouldn't. The Doctor slipped a couple of sugar cubes in the summoner's tea and slid the cup over to her with a soft smile. "I know," he told her sadly, recognizing the pain and loss in Yuna's eyes. It was palpable, despite her efforts to remain poised. But then, the Doctor was very old, and he knew how much it hurt to lose loved ones. "And I know it's hard to believe, but sometimes it's all you can do. He knows you love him, and I know he loves you. You two can lean on each other when you need strength that can't come when you're alone."

At the question, he hesitated a bit, eyes older than the rest of him, then nodded. "I've carried a few worlds in my time," he told her simply, a wry smile curving his lips. To say that was an understatement would be an understatement in itself, but he had no wish to burden Yuna with more than she had already been burdened with.

The tea was accepted with a weary smile and murmured thanks. She picked it up and took a sip, letting the taste and warmth wash over and through her. It helped. It didn't take everything away but it helped.

"I know. I'm just happy he's here. For now." For however long she had him. The worry would never go away fully, especially not with the nightmares, but at least she had him now.

At the Doctor's words, Yuna reached out to take his hand and give it a squeeze, just for a moment. "What happened?" It wasn't a burden as much as it was a distraction. Right now she needed one.

Ah, tea. Tea solved everything. Well, not really everything, but there was something soothing about a nice cup of tea. It warmed his hands for one - they'd gone cold for some reason. Probably all this snow - though a small part of his brain told him it was left over from the nightmare (hush, brain, now's not the time for all of that nonsense). The Doctor sipped his tea as he listened to the young woman again, nodding. "The time you have with him, however long and short, is precious," he reassured her. "You're not wrong to hold on like this. It's alright to worry, Yuna."

He smiled at the squeeze. "Bad day," he told her, simply. "Lots up stuff happened. Only I think that can be used for all of them. A world, a galaxy, even the universe - especially - the universe, they're not meant to be held together by one person." He sighed and took a sip of his tea. "ANd sometimes, there's only one person who can do it."

Yuna listened seriously, taking another sip of her tea. It sounded like they had a lot in common, more than she'd previously expected. Maybe he really did understand her, though she couldn't quite figure out everything in his past based on those short sentences, she knew he'd had the weight of the world on his shoulders, too.

"No, I guess not," she answered slowly, trying to find the words that would reassure him like he'd reassured her. Time to draw on the former summoner's speeches. "But sometimes it's all we can do to help those who need it, even if it means doing the unthinkable or holding onto something that others say is a lost cause. We try because... it would be a lot worse if we didn't. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but... the result is better than if we hadn't tried at all."

The Doctor got the feeling he could trust Yuna. Perhaps it was the fact that she'd rescued him without a second thought, or the kindness that seemed to radiate off the young woman. Maybe it was the fact that he knew she'd carried her world for the sake of so many people she didn't even know. He liked her, certainly, and she was charming, gentle and easy to talk to. But the sadness was practically radiating off of her now, and he wanted to help.

"You're right," he smiled, sipping at his tea again. It was warm and comforting, and the fact that it was warming his hands, which had been cold after his nightmare, didn't hurt. "You're right," he said simply, a soft smile tugging at his lips. That sort of thing was what helped keep him flying, after all.

Yuna had borne that weight of her world because she'd had no other choice. Helping people was a part of her and once she was presented with the opportunity to make people smile when they otherwise would have just cried until Sin swept them away or their own despair turned them to fiends, she'd taken it and run with it. Even though she'd known what it would mean for her... she'd also known that she couldn't back down. She'd thought about giving up once, but she hadn't been able to even when the temples had betrayed her.

Being a summoner had been her life. Saving Spira would always be part of her.

Unsure of what to say next, she offered him a smile and reached over to squeeze his arm. They were friends as far as she was concerned and helping each other was part of what friends did.

The Doctor smiled back at Yuna, some of the weariness gone from his face. He was still tired, and he still didn't want to go to sleep, but if Yuna could grin and bear it, so could he. It was what people like them did, after all; they had to help others, and whining about his own troubles had never helped anyone. He reached over to place a gentle, comforting hand on Yuna's shoulder, the look on his face saying more than words ever could.

It wasn't going to be alright, but maybe it would be okay.

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Pain Shared is Split by Half [Active]

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